So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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