I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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