so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
