Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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