He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
