my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
