Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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