i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
