You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
