I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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