last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
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I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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