My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
