I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
