I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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