remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
