I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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