She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
