she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
my liver is dry heaving
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
