Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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