my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
