I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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