Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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