Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
