why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
