I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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