She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
