I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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