How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
