If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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