Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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