Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
