my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
