my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
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