Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
