two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
