if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
