Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
