dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
