Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
