I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
the condom got lost in my hair
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
