He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
