just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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