guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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