he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
