We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
