Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'm passing your future prison.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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