he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
