swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Do you have feelings for this penis?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
