I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
