Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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