I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
