Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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