i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
