The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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