I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
