Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
