Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
