I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
