she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Randomize
