seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
