Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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